Quotes to Live By

"...to accept it without arrogance...to let it go with indifference."

"Obective judgment...Unselfish action...Willing acceptance."

"Straight...not straightened."

--Marcus Aurelius

Of Bikes and Books

There are several benefits to my daily exercise routine. As I pedal along the exercise bike for sixty minutes, I read. I'd estimate that I read for 45 out of 60 minutes, while on the bike, five days a week.

What I've read lately:

Handbook, Epictetus

Meditations, Marcus Aurelius

• These are two foundational readings in ancient Stoicism, and studying the Stoics has been a tremendous help to me. Simple, sensible, logical, no-nonsense, live in the moment wisdom. It works the same today as it did nearly 2000 years ago. Stoicism has its roots in Socrates.

Diogenes the Cynic, Luis Navia

• Diogenes is the most notable Cynic of ancient times. He was a disciple of Antisthenes, who himself learned from Socrates. His brutal honesty stunned his contemporaries; he lived in a tub, and is known for the "war" he waged against the world. He was a phenomenal man, devoted to truth, and damn the consequences. There have been very few men with the courage of a Diogenes. Many interesting anecdotes have come down to us regarding Diogenes. It is said that he once walked through the streets of Athens in broad daylight with a lit lantern. When asked why, he replied he was searching for an honest man. Alexander the Great was said to visit Diogenes, asking him what he could do for him. Diogenes retorted that he could move out of his sunlight.

The Freedom Manifesto, Tom Hodgkinson

• Allen gave me this volume for my birthday. This is the same guy who wrote How to Be Idle, one of my favorites, which challenges much that is considered mainstream and "normal." In this volume, it's more of the same, challenging the status quo, encouraging us to be free and less dependent on government, supermarkets, jobs, etc. Very enjoyable read.

Today I was at the Friends of the Library Bookstore at the main library in Huntsville. They have many excellent books, many of them classics, for pennies. I bought Thoreau's Walden and Shakespeare's Hamlet today. I look forward to digging into those.

Enjoying the Week in Hilton Head, SC

For the tenth or eleventh year (I've lost count), my kids and I have joined my parents, my sister, her husband, and their four kids in Hilton Head, South Carolina for a weeklong reunion of sorts. It's a family get together that we all enjoy. For several years now, we've been staying at the same house, which, for the time being, fits our needs well. The house has a nice pool, space for horseshoes, and sleeping space for ten. This year, we've spent a lot of time at the beach (probably more than any other year I remember), riding bikes, swimming, and playing tennis.

Sarah Catherine, Matthew, and I have been riding bikes a good bit at home, and that has carried over to Hilton Head. SC especially likes to go riding bikes a couple of times a day here. Yesterday, we saw two small alligators in a pond, and a giant turtle that moved surprisingly fast.

Tonight was our 2nd annual Talent Show. The kids did dances, played music, and we all read my recently written children's book, Dinosaur Day, which I'm still working on getting published.

Two nights ago, I prepared the meal of crusted tilapia, fresh green beans, and rice. We've eaten some good meals out as well.

Saturday, we'll pack up and make the long trip back home. At least we'll gain an hour.

Sarah Catherine's Dance Recital

SC performed well Tuesday night at her dance recital at the Civic Center. Karen, her boys, Matthew, and I sat up in the balcony and watched her perform. Apparently, she's one of the best in the class, judging from the position she was in...front and center. They danced to a Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus song...which, of course, having a 9 year old daughter, I knew!

After her performance, we gathered in the lobby of the Civic Center to give gifts to Sarah (I fulfilled her request for the Bengal Tiger Webkinz) and congratulate her. I'll post a picture or two on here.

I'm proud of both my kids...they are creative, imaginitave, and, this is what thrills me...they seem happy.

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Speaking of being happy, we've had a lot of fun already this summer. The kids create interesting environments both inside and out of the house. They've made restaurants, zoos, and other interesting places come alive. We've painted a table together, befriended a neighborhood dog (who, if he keeps coming around, we'll be calling our pet pretty soon I imagine), played video games together, watched movies, and played kick ball in the back yard (although today the ball was punctured). Next week we're heading to Hilton Head for our annual family reunion. We're all looking forward to it.

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I've read some good stuff lately. Epictetus' Handbook and Marcus Aurelius' Meditations are two of the most influential works I've ever read: very practical and helpful for living. From Marcus: "Objective judgment...Unselfish action...Willing acceptance."

Now I'm reading Tom Hodgkinson's The Freedom Manifesto and Luis Navia's Diogenes the Cynic, about one of the most interesting figures in the history of mankind.

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As I live and type, I'm watching Knocked Up again, for maybe the sixth or seventh time. I love that movie. Paul Rudd is one of my favorite actors...very funny.

Cake

Riding my exercise bike today (which I've now upped to 50 minutes a day, 5 days a week---ain't I good?), and listening to my iPod (how "modern" and "cool" of me), I heard a song by Cake. The song was No Phone. A couple of years ago, Cake was mostly all I listened to. I had discovered them quite by accident, and I must credit a movie for that. Shallow Hal, starring Jack Black, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Jason Alexander (yes, the same one who played my hero George Costanza on Seinfeld), is about a man who sees women only for their surface beauty, until he is hypnotized unknowingly, thanks to Tony Robbins. It's a good movie...very funny.

But at the end of the movie, as the credits rolled, I heard a song that went a little something like this:

We are building a religion
We are building it bigger
We are widening the corridors
And adding more lanes

We are building a religion
A limited edition
We are now accepting callers
For these pendant key chains

To resist it is useless
It is useless to resist it...


The song captivated me, music and lyrics...That song was Comfort Eagle. I then devoured all Cake (pun intended). At the time I didn't realise they also sang Never There (official video), Hem of Your Garment, and other good tunes. I have four or five of their lp's.

When I met Karen, we shared an affection for Cake, as well as each other. So when I heard No Phone today, I became nostalgic and remembered the "old days". My favorite Cake song? That would have to be You Turn the Screws.

The Art of Living

I have recently discovered the treasure that is Stoicism, and particularly, the first century Roman slave turned sage Epictetus. Like Socrates, Epictetus wrote nothing, but rather spoke words of wisdom and practical living to his pupils. As Plato recorded the teachings of his master Socrates, Arrian put down those of his teacher Epictetus.

Stoicism is one of the most ancient and enduring philosophies of the western world, and was highly regarded among all walks of life, including the ruling class. Marcus Aurelius, the Roman ruler, is one of the most influential Stoics, and his work, Meditations, is my next read.

When many people think of the term stoic, they think of boredom, passivity, and non-emotion. It's a caricature, that's all. Stoicism is actually a very practical way of living life, with virtue, understanding, reason, and accord with nature. It emphasizes focusing your attention on yourself, and what you can control, not on external circumstances outside of your control.

I just finished reading The Art of Living, a contemporary interpretation of Epictetus' Handbook. It's not a "book" in the typical sense; it's rather a collection of wise thoughts on how to live. It doesn't even read like philosophy...it's not technical at all...very readable and very practical. That's what I love about it. Anyone can profit from it, and unlike some philosophies or belief systems, it transcends time...it works as well in the 21st century as it did in the first.

Here are some snippets:

"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. It is only after you have faced up to this fundamental rule and learned to distinguish between what you can and can't control that inner tranquility and outer effectiveness become possible."

"Keep your attention focused entirely on what is truly your own concern, and be clear that what belongs to others is their business and none of yours."

"It is not things that disturb us, but our interpretation of their significance."

"Things and people are not what we wish them to be nor what they seem to be. They are what they are."

"We cannot choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how we respond to them."

"Things simply are what they are. Other people think what they will think; it is of no concern to us. No Shame. No Blame."

"Never depend on the admiration of others. There is no strength in it. Personal merit cannot be derived from an external source...Grow up! Who cares what other people think about you! Create your own merit."

"Don't demand or expect that events happen as you would wish them to. Accept events as they actually happen. That way peace is possible."

(All quotes from The Art of Living, Lebell)

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These quotes are the tip of the iceberg...Get the book yourself (I got mine used on Amazon.com for $5-6)...you'll be glad you did. You can read it in a couple of hours, and then keep it with you kind of like a manual for life. Epictetus' Handbook is kind of the West's answer to the Tao Te Ching, one of my next projects.

Play Ball

I haven't been here in a while...now I'm black.

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I'm happy that baseball season has started, albeit in a manner (or more specifically, a location) that I'm not too pleased about. It's not that I'm opposed to Japan...it's a cool place I suppose, and they've given America some quality baseball talent, but baseball is our NATIONAL PASTTIME, and so Opening Day should take place here, not at 6 a.m. Eastern time on a Tuesday morning in Japan. At any rate, all is right with the world again...baseball is back. I consider Opening Day to take place Monday, when the Yankees open at home against the Blue Jays. Opening Day is one of my favorite days of the year.

In related developments, I have three fantasy baseball teams. I think I drafted well, and have a good chance at defending my championship from last season. I'll have to beat, not just my Pops, but my girlfriend as well.

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The kids are well. They're back in school this week after Spring Break. Yesterday we checked out the new Hardee's in Meridianville, then went shopping for clothes for summer. Tonight we all hopped in the hot tub, which I spent the weekend preparing. Matthew had been excited about it, asking me about it for several days. It worked buddy!

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This weekend the kids and I are off to Auburn for the A-Day game and a couple of AU baseball games with my parents.

New Computer

Well, I bit the bullet over the weekend...bought a new laptop. My old one would not take a charge, and is pretty much dead. I had to get a new machine, so I did. I had thought about a used IBM Thinkpad, but decided to go with a new machine at Best Buy. I bought a Gateway M-6309. It's not a top of the line edition, but it is nice, and plenty for what I need. It's regularly priced at $699...I got it for $499. So far I'm pleased, although I'm having an adjustment period to Vista. I'm trying to figure out the best way to transfer all my iTunes music files to my new laptop. I've pretty much got all my music on cd's and my iPod, so I think I can use a combination of both to make it happen. I don't know how I can use this laptop with my outdated printer though. My printer uses one of those large, wide pin cables, and my laptop doesn't have a jack for that. O well, I imagine Best Buy will have an adapter or some other solution readily available. Pax, if you're reading this, shoot me an email about resolving that issue...thanks!

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Karen and I spent most of the weekend together. She came to the kids' games on Saturday. We watched Auburn basketball that afternoon, then on Sunday, we both did some electronics shopping. Her bedroom TV died, just wouldn't turn on, so she bought a nice 37" HD model for her living room, then moved the nice 32" HD model into her bedroom. How nice!

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I need to hit the grocery store soon. Matthew has Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), so we're trying to make healthier choices in his diet. Mostly that means cutting out sugars, caffeine, and red and yellow dyes. As you might realise, that makes it hard to use some food items. Of course, we're not totally eliminating all of those things, but we are conscious of cutting down on them. So, anyway, I'm looking for some treats or items I can throw in his lunchbag so he's not starving at dinner time. I will say that the modifications in diet, as well as some behavioral techniques at home, are helping him focus and deal with stressors more effectively. His brain just moves so fast, and has a hard time latching on or focusing at times. That's getting better, though.

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Sarah continues to stockpile Webkinz. My god, she has about 35 of them now. She loves them. We even have a game we play with them...all three of us play it: the tossing game. We all choose 5 of the animals, stand at the end of the hall, and throw them all the way down the hall and onto Sarah's bed. Basically, one character is eliminated every round until there's a winner. By the way, I'm the champion!

On Fear; No Fear

Yesterday I got the results of my second cat scan. I have a "horseshoe kidney," which occurs in 1 of 400 people. It's likely a development during the embryonic stage. At this point, it's not a problem. Also, no kindey stones were found in the kidneys, bladder, or ureter. At this point I'm relieved.

Two days ago, Mother got a great report from her pet scan. In her first evaluation after her chemotherapy, she passed with flying colors. Very good news.

Karen, also, is getting better. Her wisdom teeth removal created more problems than we thought she'd have. She's been in and out of work, but is getting better.

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Matthew picks back up his piano lessons today. I'm glad about that. He is very naturally talented on the keys. His vast imagination works for him there too. He's constantly tinkering on the piano, making up songs, or replicating ones he's heard. He has a really good musical ear.

Sarah's still doing dance, and she is quite athletically coordinated, a good little dancer. She's also expressed interest in piano.

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I tried a new recipe last night: country fried steak with milk gravy. I used cubed steak; it was okay. I remember eating that growing up. The batter and gravy was pretty good, but the steak was a bit tough...then again, it was cubed steak.

I should probably stick with pies.

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My exercising continues to go well. I'm up to 40 minutes daily on the bike now. I weigh less than I have in a few years, probably around 198.

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The kids are with Lisa this weekend. I'm looking forward to some rest and time with Karen. The kids have games on Saturday, too.

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I recently finished On Fear by the late Indian writer/speaker Krishnamurti. At times this book was difficult to wrap my head around...it's challenging to western thinking. But it teaches some really good concepts, mainly how to recognize and deal with fear. Not fears of things like snakes or auto accidents, but rather inner fears, such as fears of not succeeding, or losing status, or losing your husband or wife, or fear of death...fears that often cripple people and keep them from growing in life. To overcome fears, people either usually try to run away or escape (which doesn't work) or patch them over with things like religion (which is really also trying to escape). Latching on to religion is much easier than taking yourself at face value, and facing your fears head on. What I took from the book is that to overcome fear you can't run, escape, or seek refuge in religion. You simply must face yourself and your fears. Admit them, embrace them, and live in the present, not the past or future. Then the fears lose their powers.

Filling It Up

This photo is from a year ago, not this year. Both the kids play aggressively and hard. They've both improved even more this year. Saturday, Sarah scored 18 points in her game.

Sarah scored 18 points in her basketball game Saturday. At halftime, she had all of her team's points. For the game, she had all but ten of her team's points. I know I'm bragging, but hey, I have a right!

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The kids and I have had a pretty good weekend. We've enjoyed being together.

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I should hear from the doctor's office what the next step in my kidney issues is. At this point I'm not too concerned. The jury is out until more results come in.

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Tonight I'm watching the Oscars. My latest Netflix movie is One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, but I haven't watched it yet. I'm enjoying the latest HBO series, In Treatment.

Illnesses

Everyone I know has had health problems lately, it seems. There's Allen with his carpal tunnell syndrome, Paxton with his bad back, Karen with her wisdom teeth removal, and me with my kidney issues.

I had a cat scan on Thursday, and the results came back today. My kidney seems to be a bit enlarged...this may be something I was born with, and may be no reason for concern. I've got to go back in for another scan. They want to make sure everything is good. They found no kidney stones floating around...that's good. I hope I'm done with those.

I spent the day with Karen, who was out of work, recovering from having two wisdom teeth removed yesterday.

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The kids are with me this weekend; both have basketball games tomorrow. Matthew and I had a great time playing Guitar Hero tonight. It's always good to see him laugh and enjoy himself. Sarah's been under the weather tonight.

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The Black (pictured above under a blanket), our excitable cat, was going wild tonight, chasing balls and pretend mice throughout the house. He also seems to like the new furniture as much as we do.

Frustrated

I'm having problems with my laptop. The adapter doesn't consistently charge it. Googling this problem, I found it is extremely common with laptops. It has to do with too much pressure being put on the male prong that receives the charge on the laptop.

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Going to Karen's tonight for some much needed time with her. I'm baking fish, with rice and salad, for us and her boys.

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I've gotten back on the exercise bike after nearly a whole week off due to illness. 40 minutes yesterday, 30 today. It feels nice.

Busy Weekend

My parents arrived on Saturday morning with a trailer-load of furniture from my late grandmother's home. New additions include tables for the living room, sofa, love seat, and mixer (no more hand whipping meringues...high fives). We all attended Sarah's game, then Matthew's. Both played well, and Sarah scored six points and grabbed what seemed to be a dozen rebounds.

After the games, Karen and I attended a one-man play, entitled Defending the Caveman, then went out for dinner and a long talk. We are good for each other; we go together like (as Rob Scneider's character in Big Daddy said) "spaghetti and meat ball." She gets me, and that's not something I take for granted.

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The kids are out of school tomorrow, so we'll have a day of sleeping in (hopefully) and time at home. With each passing day I'm amazed at my kids, and am increasingly aware of how special they are to me.

Damn I'm tired. I hope I actually get some sleep tonight.

Till next time...

Happy Val Day

I'm still struggling through a nagging cold, which seems to be wreaking havoc all over north Alabama. I don't know why, but colds tend to wear me out pretty badly. I think I'm at least on the back end of it.

I'm waiting to hear results from a urinalysis...I think there may still be blood in the urine, and that I still may be dealing with a kidney stone or stones. I wonder if this weekend holds extreme pain for me...we'll see.

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The kids got out early for Valentine's Day today, and are out of school tomorrow too, although they are with their mother. Matthew has a party tonight, and the girl he likes will be there. It's fun for me to watch the kids grow up and experience new things. Sarah has basketball practice tonight.

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My folks are coming to town Saturday morning. They'll watch Sarah and Matthew play in basketball games. They both are improving a great deal. I hope Karen can come too.

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HERE'S (link now fixed) a song I like lately (the giant mice are cool!). I've found a like a good bit of electronica. I discovered this one on Guitar Hero!

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Happy Valentine's Day Karen and everyone!

Rockin' Out

Yesterday my kids each had basketball games. Both teams played hard and both teams lost close games. Sarah, who usually scores a few baskets a game, was shut out on offense. Matthew made a shot. They both played excellent defense and were worn out after their games. Karen attended both games with me.

After the games, my friend Paxton met me at my place for a jam session. He just bought a nice cherry red Fender guitar and amp; I played the drums. I wonder if we should start a band..."Two Bald Guys" perhaps.

Here's a song we played...one of the few we both sort of knew. Now we just need a lead singer.

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Today I slept in a bit. I had a nice lunch...an oriental stir fry dish, with rice noodles, grilled chicken, carrots, green onions, mushrooms, all tossed in hoisen sauce. Then I finished off my pecan pie. I think my next pie will be coconut cream, always one of my faves. My folks are coming into town next Saturday; I'll try to have it for them.

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Karen and I watched Saw IV over the weekend. We've seen them all. It was more of the same: gruesome, torturous "life games," used to teach offenders to truly value life. Very creative torture devices, I must say.

My Sweetheart

Sarah shows off her swing at Sci Quest

Yesterday was a good day. I met Sarah Catherine at school and took her and two friends on a field trip to Sci Quest. They learned about simple machines like wheel and axle, levers, pulleys, etc. I tried not to embarass her and be a "cool" dad. I think I did fairly well in that regard.

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After the field trip I came home to cast my vote in the presidential primary. After they finally found my name buried on the inactive list, I cast my ballot for Barack Obama. It looks like he and Hillary will be neck and neck on the Dem side.

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Riding my bike and listening to my iPod today, this song came on. I've always liked Death Cab for their soothing beats, smart lyrics, and indie roots.

Pain and Agony

Yesterday was Super Bowl Sunday. It was also the day I suffered from my first (and hopefully last) kidney stone. I woke up at about 6 a.m. with severe pain in my stomach and back. The pain lasted for about an hour or so, and despite numerous attempts to get comfortable, I was writhing in pain, desperate for relief. Karen was great...nursing me and attending my side, feeding me Pepto Bismol and Advil. A warm bath didn't help. Neither did laying down, or sitting up, or walking around. It got so bad that I finally passed out or fell asleep in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. At the time, I wasn't sure what the problem was...

Then today, I went to the doctor to have my apple juice (urine) tested. It is/was an apparent kidney stone. Since I've had no symptoms since yesterday, the doc seems to think I've likely already passed the stone.

I talked to Pops this morning; he's had 15-20 or so kidney stones. It's likely going to be a genetic issue I have to deal with. Matthew was not too thrilled to hear the news...he's already a bit concerned about it himself. He asked me if minors could get kidney stones...

The Super Bowl was awesome...a really exciting game. The Giants deserve all the accolades. They slayed the other "giant," the previously undefeated Patriots. Relax, '72 Dolphins.

Tomorrow I get to take Sarah Catherine on a field trip to Sci Quest. Should be fun.

'Til next time...

Today

Today started with a bang, or I should say, a ring. Sarah left her backpack over her last night before her mother came to pick her up. So she had to retrieve it before school.

Last night I started watching Click, starring Adam Sandler, one of my favorite actors. I finished it this morning. The movie has many Sandler-esque funny moments, but it's actually quite sad. Click is about a man who is so bothered by the mundane in his life, that he wishes to "fast forward" through them, to the "really important" things. The movie is a lesson in taking time to stop and enjoy life, even in its little, boring, uncomfortable, moments. It made an impression on me. Sometimes we get so busy or so wrapped up in our own worlds that we fail to take in the little, but important, moments in our lives.

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I went down to inquire about a job as a caregiver/companion. It seems like something I might enjoy, while I'm waiting for my children's books to be published! I've always considered myself fairly compassionate, and in the church the older folks seemed to enjoy my visits.

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Tonight I relaxed with some TV until the kids arrived. Then the ex called and picked a fight over money with me. She went to yelling, so I just hung up. I think the kids were happy when they went to bed. Sarah had me go through this routine of putting 6 or 7 blankets on her, in a particular order. One of the blankets has a pig-faced pocket, into which I had to insert three of her Webkinz stuffed animals...in a particular position. Matthew and I laughed with her. It was a good way for them to drift off to sleep. I left their bedroom with a smile on my face, as they laughed.

Yesterday I learned some things.

Several days ago, my cousin (and close friend Allen, who currently lives in Asheville, North Carolina) and I had a conversation (might have been via email) regarding paying unnecessary expenses, late fees, etc. We talked about how that bothered us, since we are frugal and make attempts to live simply and not waste money. He had missed a tax extension deadline. Yesterday, I had to order a propane delivery on the same day, since my tank was low, and was charged a high amount (see yesterday's post below). Luckily, I got out of the extra expense.

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Part of my daily routine (well, probably four days a week) is a 30 minute ride on my exercise bike. I usually go about 6 miles and burn about 245 calories. It's not too bad, even though I don't generally love exercise. I typically listen to my iPod and/or read. Yesterday I picked up a book again that Allen had sent me, a book by Krishnamurti on the subject of fear. In the initial pages, the author talked about how fear could not exist without thoughts, and those thoughts are based on things that happened in the past, and the idea that they'll happen again. Instead of focusing on fear, and allowing it to reign, he seems to be saying you must live only in the present, where there is no fear, just action. That idea helped me turn away some negative energy yesterday.

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For the last few months, I've been taking the kids (on an alternating basis) to see a family counselor, dealing mainly with issues of anger and the divorce. Yesterday, I was brought in with Sarah and the counselor to discuss some more effective conflict resolution tactics. Sarah has been worried a bit about the interactions between Matthew and me, which often led to frustration and anger on both of our parts. Now I feel like we have some tools and better attitudes to deal with conflict. I'm sure I'll be practicing them very soon, like when they get home from school. ;)

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I'm hungry (I ate cereal for breakfast, which seems to induce hunger). I'm trying to wait a little while for lunch (it's not quite 11 a.m.). I gave Karen and her kids most of my key lime pie yesterday. My next pie might be pecan (I noticed I had some pecans in the freezer...my moms had given them to me). I might make an attempt at meatloaf tonight. I've never made it before, but I've found several good recipes on http://allrecipes.com.

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Tonight I'll probably do a combination of the following: listening to Auburn basketball, watching American Idol, and watching The Moment of Truth.

"I don't have gas!"

That was the first thought this morning, after looking at the gauge on my propane tank. My second thought? "Oh shit!" That's because propane is my source of heat for the house I rent.

Actually the tank was at 5%...enough to last another day and a half perhaps.

So I called Ferrellgas and had to set up a same day delivery (an additional $105). The driver just left...grand total: $668.62. This was the second tank full of gas I've had to buy this winter. I shouldn't have to buy any more gas. If I do I may try eating a can of kidney beans and farting into the tank. Will the neighbors approve?

As luck would have it, I found out the truck driver was already in my area when he came by. In other words, he would have been able to come by today WITHOUT me paying the extra fee. Of course the charges had already been assessed by the lovely people at the office. The driver couldn't help me out, but sanity did prevail. I called the office back, explained the situation, and a nice gentleman issued me a refund for the $105. I feel better now.

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I've got a busy day today (well, busy for me). Matthew has an appointment at 4:30, then basketball practice at 6:30. We'll be on the go, but it will give us a good bit of quality time.

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The kids started fighting over the weekend about who got to sit in the front seat, so I had to pull out the rule my sister and I had as kids. And now Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday belong to Sarah, and Monday, Wednesday, Friday belong to Matthew. Sundays are alternated. Problem solved.

Welcome to my (somewhat) daily journal

Sarah (8), Dad (36), Matthew (12) atop the Empire State Building in late 2007

In this blog I will catalog my daily experiences, thoughts, and heart-felt feelings. No bullshit here; just me expressing myself. You'll find some quirky humour, sad poetry, favorite songs and lyrics, anecdotes about my kids and my girlfriend, and even a little silliness. Thanks to my friend Paxton for his inspiration here. Thanks for stopping by.

Jeff

January 28, 2008

Matthew, Sarah, Dad: Central Park, NYC, late 2007

I woke up this morning feeling nearly as bad as I did when I went to bed last night. Lots of memories were dredged up over the weekend. I had the kids from Thursday thru last night. I love Matthew and Sarah. I love having them with me. They keep me sane (and sometimes test that same sanity).

I have been really struggling with Matthew lately. He's 12, and seems to be having a tough time adjusting to things. I have no doubt that the divorce still affects him (it still hurts me, after all). He and I fight a lot, lately. This past weekend, it was a science project that kept us at odds. It was mainly me, though. I am so disappointed in myself sometimes...I keep trying to rise above it and not get into the negativity, but I fail, over and over...and so we fight, and I feel like shit afterwards. He knows how to push my buttons…and he’s so much like me! I think we butt heads for that reason sometimes. I’ve got to be more “alert” with him…focus on my job as a parent more. Parenting is no piece of cake.

On the "Lisa" front, I've been dealing with some old emotions over the last few days. I have had a hard time putting the divorce behind me. I'm a person who holds on to things, and finds it hard to let go. I found our official wedding album, and a framed invitation from our wedding yesterday...looking at those things was weird.

I have a wonderful girlfriend, Karen, who loves me and treats me with so much more respect and kindness than Lisa ever gave me. It's just that the "ideal" family that I thought I had is now gone. My kids are shuttling back and forth between two houses. And my ex-wife takes advantage of me at every turn. I hope things get easier. I guess, in reality, my marriage never was really “ideal.”

In most every way, my relationship with Karen is pretty damn close to ideal.I'm hoping that time will heal the hurts...we'll see. In the meantime, I’ve got a wonderful girlfriend and two beautiful, creative, imaginative, and healthy kids. Life’s really not so bad, is it?