January 28, 2008

Matthew, Sarah, Dad: Central Park, NYC, late 2007

I woke up this morning feeling nearly as bad as I did when I went to bed last night. Lots of memories were dredged up over the weekend. I had the kids from Thursday thru last night. I love Matthew and Sarah. I love having them with me. They keep me sane (and sometimes test that same sanity).

I have been really struggling with Matthew lately. He's 12, and seems to be having a tough time adjusting to things. I have no doubt that the divorce still affects him (it still hurts me, after all). He and I fight a lot, lately. This past weekend, it was a science project that kept us at odds. It was mainly me, though. I am so disappointed in myself sometimes...I keep trying to rise above it and not get into the negativity, but I fail, over and over...and so we fight, and I feel like shit afterwards. He knows how to push my buttons…and he’s so much like me! I think we butt heads for that reason sometimes. I’ve got to be more “alert” with him…focus on my job as a parent more. Parenting is no piece of cake.

On the "Lisa" front, I've been dealing with some old emotions over the last few days. I have had a hard time putting the divorce behind me. I'm a person who holds on to things, and finds it hard to let go. I found our official wedding album, and a framed invitation from our wedding yesterday...looking at those things was weird.

I have a wonderful girlfriend, Karen, who loves me and treats me with so much more respect and kindness than Lisa ever gave me. It's just that the "ideal" family that I thought I had is now gone. My kids are shuttling back and forth between two houses. And my ex-wife takes advantage of me at every turn. I hope things get easier. I guess, in reality, my marriage never was really “ideal.”

In most every way, my relationship with Karen is pretty damn close to ideal.I'm hoping that time will heal the hurts...we'll see. In the meantime, I’ve got a wonderful girlfriend and two beautiful, creative, imaginative, and healthy kids. Life’s really not so bad, is it?