Today

Today started with a bang, or I should say, a ring. Sarah left her backpack over her last night before her mother came to pick her up. So she had to retrieve it before school.

Last night I started watching Click, starring Adam Sandler, one of my favorite actors. I finished it this morning. The movie has many Sandler-esque funny moments, but it's actually quite sad. Click is about a man who is so bothered by the mundane in his life, that he wishes to "fast forward" through them, to the "really important" things. The movie is a lesson in taking time to stop and enjoy life, even in its little, boring, uncomfortable, moments. It made an impression on me. Sometimes we get so busy or so wrapped up in our own worlds that we fail to take in the little, but important, moments in our lives.

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I went down to inquire about a job as a caregiver/companion. It seems like something I might enjoy, while I'm waiting for my children's books to be published! I've always considered myself fairly compassionate, and in the church the older folks seemed to enjoy my visits.

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Tonight I relaxed with some TV until the kids arrived. Then the ex called and picked a fight over money with me. She went to yelling, so I just hung up. I think the kids were happy when they went to bed. Sarah had me go through this routine of putting 6 or 7 blankets on her, in a particular order. One of the blankets has a pig-faced pocket, into which I had to insert three of her Webkinz stuffed animals...in a particular position. Matthew and I laughed with her. It was a good way for them to drift off to sleep. I left their bedroom with a smile on my face, as they laughed.

Yesterday I learned some things.

Several days ago, my cousin (and close friend Allen, who currently lives in Asheville, North Carolina) and I had a conversation (might have been via email) regarding paying unnecessary expenses, late fees, etc. We talked about how that bothered us, since we are frugal and make attempts to live simply and not waste money. He had missed a tax extension deadline. Yesterday, I had to order a propane delivery on the same day, since my tank was low, and was charged a high amount (see yesterday's post below). Luckily, I got out of the extra expense.

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Part of my daily routine (well, probably four days a week) is a 30 minute ride on my exercise bike. I usually go about 6 miles and burn about 245 calories. It's not too bad, even though I don't generally love exercise. I typically listen to my iPod and/or read. Yesterday I picked up a book again that Allen had sent me, a book by Krishnamurti on the subject of fear. In the initial pages, the author talked about how fear could not exist without thoughts, and those thoughts are based on things that happened in the past, and the idea that they'll happen again. Instead of focusing on fear, and allowing it to reign, he seems to be saying you must live only in the present, where there is no fear, just action. That idea helped me turn away some negative energy yesterday.

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For the last few months, I've been taking the kids (on an alternating basis) to see a family counselor, dealing mainly with issues of anger and the divorce. Yesterday, I was brought in with Sarah and the counselor to discuss some more effective conflict resolution tactics. Sarah has been worried a bit about the interactions between Matthew and me, which often led to frustration and anger on both of our parts. Now I feel like we have some tools and better attitudes to deal with conflict. I'm sure I'll be practicing them very soon, like when they get home from school. ;)

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I'm hungry (I ate cereal for breakfast, which seems to induce hunger). I'm trying to wait a little while for lunch (it's not quite 11 a.m.). I gave Karen and her kids most of my key lime pie yesterday. My next pie might be pecan (I noticed I had some pecans in the freezer...my moms had given them to me). I might make an attempt at meatloaf tonight. I've never made it before, but I've found several good recipes on http://allrecipes.com.

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Tonight I'll probably do a combination of the following: listening to Auburn basketball, watching American Idol, and watching The Moment of Truth.

"I don't have gas!"

That was the first thought this morning, after looking at the gauge on my propane tank. My second thought? "Oh shit!" That's because propane is my source of heat for the house I rent.

Actually the tank was at 5%...enough to last another day and a half perhaps.

So I called Ferrellgas and had to set up a same day delivery (an additional $105). The driver just left...grand total: $668.62. This was the second tank full of gas I've had to buy this winter. I shouldn't have to buy any more gas. If I do I may try eating a can of kidney beans and farting into the tank. Will the neighbors approve?

As luck would have it, I found out the truck driver was already in my area when he came by. In other words, he would have been able to come by today WITHOUT me paying the extra fee. Of course the charges had already been assessed by the lovely people at the office. The driver couldn't help me out, but sanity did prevail. I called the office back, explained the situation, and a nice gentleman issued me a refund for the $105. I feel better now.

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I've got a busy day today (well, busy for me). Matthew has an appointment at 4:30, then basketball practice at 6:30. We'll be on the go, but it will give us a good bit of quality time.

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The kids started fighting over the weekend about who got to sit in the front seat, so I had to pull out the rule my sister and I had as kids. And now Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday belong to Sarah, and Monday, Wednesday, Friday belong to Matthew. Sundays are alternated. Problem solved.

Welcome to my (somewhat) daily journal

Sarah (8), Dad (36), Matthew (12) atop the Empire State Building in late 2007

In this blog I will catalog my daily experiences, thoughts, and heart-felt feelings. No bullshit here; just me expressing myself. You'll find some quirky humour, sad poetry, favorite songs and lyrics, anecdotes about my kids and my girlfriend, and even a little silliness. Thanks to my friend Paxton for his inspiration here. Thanks for stopping by.

Jeff

January 28, 2008

Matthew, Sarah, Dad: Central Park, NYC, late 2007

I woke up this morning feeling nearly as bad as I did when I went to bed last night. Lots of memories were dredged up over the weekend. I had the kids from Thursday thru last night. I love Matthew and Sarah. I love having them with me. They keep me sane (and sometimes test that same sanity).

I have been really struggling with Matthew lately. He's 12, and seems to be having a tough time adjusting to things. I have no doubt that the divorce still affects him (it still hurts me, after all). He and I fight a lot, lately. This past weekend, it was a science project that kept us at odds. It was mainly me, though. I am so disappointed in myself sometimes...I keep trying to rise above it and not get into the negativity, but I fail, over and over...and so we fight, and I feel like shit afterwards. He knows how to push my buttons…and he’s so much like me! I think we butt heads for that reason sometimes. I’ve got to be more “alert” with him…focus on my job as a parent more. Parenting is no piece of cake.

On the "Lisa" front, I've been dealing with some old emotions over the last few days. I have had a hard time putting the divorce behind me. I'm a person who holds on to things, and finds it hard to let go. I found our official wedding album, and a framed invitation from our wedding yesterday...looking at those things was weird.

I have a wonderful girlfriend, Karen, who loves me and treats me with so much more respect and kindness than Lisa ever gave me. It's just that the "ideal" family that I thought I had is now gone. My kids are shuttling back and forth between two houses. And my ex-wife takes advantage of me at every turn. I hope things get easier. I guess, in reality, my marriage never was really “ideal.”

In most every way, my relationship with Karen is pretty damn close to ideal.I'm hoping that time will heal the hurts...we'll see. In the meantime, I’ve got a wonderful girlfriend and two beautiful, creative, imaginative, and healthy kids. Life’s really not so bad, is it?